A feature I both like and dread is the pop-up chat on the dating website. It can be very hit or miss. Sadly, you have to look at the person’s profile to figure out what’s up and they receive a little pop up notification that you’ve just viewed their profile… so they know you’re online, looking at their page and not responding… so I pretty much always respond… mostly because things like this end up happening:
Rocky, whose profile picture looks like a body shot of the muscle man boxer had some words of wisdom on love.
rocky:hi
rocky:hello
ME:hi
ME:are you really in India?
rocky:yes why/
ME:I don’t really chat up people who aren’t in Portland
rocky:why that so?
ME:I’m trying to be serious about dating/finding somebody
ME:that somebody will be here
ME:I’m sure you’ll find plenty of other girls to chat with — you’re very good looking
rocky: its good to her that ,but true love never consist in any border.
rocky:if u finding that ,never go for any countr y or religious ,loove the people heart ,not their profile
. rocky:nice talking you.
True love never consist in any border
loove the people heart
Is going on my tombstone.

After checking out each other’s profiles on the dating site Meathead and I decided to chat. The following foolery ensued:

I have bolded the particularly heinous/hilarious portions.

Meathead: so how was your day
dazzlemeyours: it was pretty good. I didn’t feel so good earlier so I slept a lot then went to dinner with a friend
Meathead: cool cool
Meathead.: ive been eating super clean
Meathead.: to get this 8 pack
Meathead.: and am counting down the days to my next cheat meal
Meathead.: chicken fettucine alfredo
dazzlemeyours: yum sounds god
dazzlemeyours: *good
Meathead: word
Meathead: i like the one at UNO’s
dazzlemeyours: what does your diet consist of when you’re eating super clean ?
dazzlemeyours: uno’s?
Meathead: breakfast
Meathead: 2 egg whites
Meathead.: one whole egg
Meathead.: scrambled
Meathead.: whole wheat toast
Meathead: lunch
Meathead: ground beef/ground turkey/ grilled chicken strips with my veggie combo
Meathead: i hate greens/salads…only faggots eat that
Meathead: i use beans, peas, and corn
Meathead.: then pre workout its usually a slice of toast as i need the carbs if im gonna train like an animal
Meathead.: post workout is some ground beef on a slice of toast
Meathead.: whole wheat
Meathead.: a protein bar
Meathead: 8 oz of water
Meathead.: dinner is the same as lunch
Meathead.: try to stay at a calorie defecit of 200 cals..
Meathead: according to my height and weight and muscle mass
Meathead: i need to take in 2500
Meathead: but i take in 19
Meathead.: or 21
Meathead: 2100
Meathead.: so 400 calories defecit x 6 [[I couldn’t follow this math….]]
Meathead: 2400 cals or 1.2 lbs
Meathead 1.2lbs a week
Meathead.: but when im training 5-6 days on a good week i can probably take off 7lbs
dazzlemeyours: wow
dazzlemeyours: that is intense
Meathead.: yeah but after photoshoots and shit
Meathead.: ill probably pig out for a week
Meathead.: and then train maybe 2-3 days for mainainance as opposed to 6
Meathead.: *maintainance
Meathead.: for about a month or two and get like 9 or 10lbs back

You can draw your own conclusions as to where this interaction went from here…

I’ll give you a hint… it involved getting his apparently perfectly sculpted ass handed to him.

Seeing as how I’m a very busy and important college student I decided to do the whole online dating thing. OK, that’s a lie. I decided to do it because I’ve got a serious case of the lazies and I don’t really get out much. Not to mention the majority of my friends are either married or GBLTQ or GBLTQ AND married so they don’t have many straight-singles hanging around them.

I’ve been on a free-dating website (I’m cheap) since February 1st. I have chatted with a wide variety of interesting men and a wide variety of crazy men. I have a one week rule, in which you have a week to prove that you aren’t a) crazy b) clingy OR c) going to murder me. Usually, this week gives me time to weed out the unwanted…usually being the key word.

I had been chatting with the New Yorker for approximately a week. All the online dating men get a nickname, the New Yorker had recently relocated to Portland from…. you get the picture. Things were going swimmingly. He was smart, articulate and made me laugh. I also had a pretty good sense he wasn’t going to chop me up into little pieces. We agreed to meet for coffee.

On the day of the date he texted to let me know he needed to move back the meet time because he needed to cash his check at Wal*Mart. Problem #1. I arrived at the coffee shop, ordered a drink and sat in the comfiest looking chairs. I checked my watch and he was 10 minutes late. Problem #2. I looked up to see him outside talking on his cell phone — that was a quick jump from Problem 2 to Problem #3. He finally came inside and sat down.

For the next two hours he told story after story that started with “My ex and I….”. Problem #4, #5, #6…….#255. Then he told me the story to end all first date stories.

“So my friend’s Mom does the same thing you do. She is a corrections officer.” I’m actually a Mental Health Counseling intern that works with some justice involved individuals — close though dude. “Except she totally fell in love with one of the inmates. A black inmate. But she was still married. One day she was in the bathroom reading a letter from her black inmate lover when her husband started pounding on the door wanting to be let in. Well she panicked and tried to swallow the letter. The husband broke the door and then stabbed her in the neck with a key in an attempt to get the letter out of her mouth.”

So, you can speak with someone online for a week and determine that they might not end your life but it is much harder to figure out if someone will tell you a good stabbed in the neck with a key story.

I haven’t spoken to the New Yorker since.

While working at my part-time, I need money because I’m a broke Masters student, job I was busily folding and re-hanging clothing in a crowded retail store in a bustling mall in Portland, Oregon. As my eyes glazed over on the variety of colors and sizes a middle-aged woman with a heavy Boston accent approached me for assistance.

She was travelling on vacation and had not anticipated the extreme temperatures we were currently experiencing, it was hotter than blazes and she had not packed accordingly. “I need something light and airy. I want white and long sleeve button up.” I pointed to the exact match for her description hanging within arms length of where we were standing. “Oh that’s niiiiice. Oh my gosh, $26.50. Are you serrrious? I want something less expensive.”

OK, now we have some more information to work with. This woman thinks $26.50 for a top is too expensive. “How about we look in the clearance section?” We wander over to the clearance section as she continues to describe what she wants, “Light, airy, white and not $26.50.” The clearance section is separated by size and color. As I’m flipping through the white, size L tops for her I come across a little white tank with some ruffles that is light, airy and marked at $7.99. Perfect. I also might have been impartial because I owned the same top. I held it up and said, “Here is a great one.” Her response, in that thick Boston accent: “That looks like something a slut would wear.”

“Well I guess there is nothing here for me. I’m just gonna go back to the hotel and cut the sleeves off some of my t-shirts.”